Seeking Freedom - My Personal Santa Conspiracy

Santa or Satan?  This is my most common "typo-word" or slip of the pen. I have always wondered; when can I stop lying to my child? I don’t remember how I jumped off that ride. Did my parents blow it? Did I succumb to peer-pressure?

My girl, for the last couple years, has mentioned kids to me that no longer believe in Santa. She’s 10, fifth grade, hmmm… Nope, doesn’t ring a bell.

So, I tell her dad about how I think she brings this subject up to see how we will react. He immediately asked me if we should tell her or not, and if we did, we would tell her after Christmas. That would work for me except this year she’s getting a letter FROM SANTA, mailed from The North Pole. This was my doing.  I considered it my own fun, Santa, last hurrah!

In his letter he speaks of the Spirit of Christmas. How it’s not about getting but giving. Giving, he says makes you feel even better than you would when you get. He explains that doing things for others is giving. He encourages her to do things for others like donating from her mass supply of stuffed animals. I had condemned stuffed animals since my own childhood. My mantra was, “They’re useless and they gather dust”. She calls them “plushes”. Every one of her plushes has had love rained upon it. Love, and imagination, much like a Velveteen Rabbit factory. She has completely changed my heart toward plushes. The idea of her passing them on warms my heart further.

I would love to be free of the Santa Conspiracy, he has represented to me the ugly, money-sucking, capitalistic journey that ‘tis the season. He may even be anti-Christ, in that he is diametrically opposed to Jesus. Learning that Christmas trees are a leftover Pagan tradition, did not help my attempt to be accurate about Christmas. Christmas was losing its flavor.

Later, my baby made Christmas fun again. But through the years as her critical mind developed my guilt multiplied.

I want Santa out of our Christmas. I want to focus on love, winter, and colors of the season, carols, food, hugs, kisses, smells, and the birth of Jesus. Santa is a square peg in my heart chafing the empty hole that Jesus is trying to fill.

Living Bipolar – Alas Poor Lithium, I Knew You Well

As I came to reference my title, I went webby. I verified the saying by coming across this quote;

Hamlet:

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite


jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath bore me on his back a


thousand times, and now how abhorred in my imagination it is!


My gorge rises at it.

It seems like a most beautiful eulogy; "a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath bore me on his back thousand times."

I also notice that it’s not “I knew him well”, there is no “well”.  Well, I've decided that  my new reading selection is going to be a book by Shakespeare. It has to be something I have never seen as movie or play. I think my vocabulary is strong enough, since I’m no longer a child, to follow what’s happening. When I was a child, I thought I would never understand Shakespeare. (note to self - a child's lack of hope) Then I saw a few plays and my knowledge increased and even some more.

I have a lot of respect for Shakespeare because he invented words and they became part of language. I think this is beyond brilliant.

On to the lithium issue; I was so pleased to share my side-effects, and be so incredibly sure of myself, when I saw my shrink on Tuesday. I had to be clear and name them all.

Weight gain (176 pounds – 198.6 pounds). The lithium was started in August. It is now November.

Acne. I imagined every single pore had fallen to the control of the dark side. The other thing about my acne was the potential white head load. After even much washing, each tiny bump felt like sandpaper when my skin dried. Every time I put my hands to my face, that sandpaper, I slumped into a state defeat. Then I accepted my situation as futile, so finally my self-esteem bottomed. Of, course in my mind this was never going to go away, because of the hopelessness of depression. I was having the hardest time with it. No amount of washing, even gently, was helping. The pores on my nose were black inside. They weren’t blackheads because the pores were not closed or deformed. I imagined each one was a tiny cauldron brewing  dark sebum.

I couldn’t eat butter because of the "schmell" before:
http://theambiguousfrog.blogspot.com/2009/09/living-bipolar-ive-lost-my-butter.html

Butter has returned itself to me. I am so very happy about this. The change really got in the way of my quality of life.

Tonight I was in the bathroom. I looked in the cupboard and found that hideous, wreaking, coconut scented cream rinse:
http://theambiguousfrog.blogspot.com/2009/10/living-bipolar-cream-rinse-is-butter.html 
I opened the bottle and expected relief (keeping positive). Yummy coconut wafted up my nostrils. It was settled then; the "schmell" was gone, like an evil spirit having been exorcised.

Living Bipolar – It HAS To Be The Lithium!

I weighed myself. I forgot that I wasn’t going to do that anymore. 199 point whatever…

OH MY GOD! What is going on? I was leveled off at 174. My low back hurt today after doing the dishes. I was breathing pretty heavy and ineffectively after walking to the bus stop and back. 

My breathing is a bit more normal now. I am tired. My mood is low and negative. Not horribly so. If we had people here right now, I could hang for awhile. I would not be going anywhere though. 

I have not officially brushed my hair. I threw it up in a pony tail with my fingers vs. a comb this morning. It’s still the same doo as of 3:10pm.  I have no make-up, but I have washed my face. I am washing my face more often because I am dealing with an acne attack from HELL! I am also wearing the same shirt I slept in. My underwear and pants are clean from the dryer this morning. Hubby hates when I sleep in my clothes, so if I’ve gotten it down to a shirt! 

This is really strange for me. The weight has come on so rapidly that it’s obvious to my body. The physical changes like reaching and the all around comfort level in my joints are clear and unmistakeable.

I am familiar with how 199 pounds feels actually. I got up to 208 when I was pregnant. I could excuse it then, now I am feeling like Harry Potter’s aunt that floats away in the sky after she got so very big. If I go over 208 pounds I will scream, really.  It HAS to be the Lithium! It has to be. This has NEVER happened to me. When will it stop? I feel like I am turning into a giant, albino blueberry!

Living Bipolar – Cream Rinse Is a Butter Sympathizer

Since butter flew my coop, the vanilla “scented” plug-in type smell-good has taken on a downwind after-smell. It’s something in the butter and the air freshener. I have found a stand in for my beloved butter. Brummel and Brown with yogurt. Whatever it’s made of, it doesn’t have that very unpleasant phantom smell and flavor. I’ve since had toast, corn, baked potato, and pancakes. Mission accomplished. Really.

Today I began to condition my hair with our new coconut and something cream rinse well now I am being tortured by that smell all around my face. It’s not even a smell, it’s a “schmell”. A schmell because it’s more like a thing, not a smell. Schmell molecules that are allowed to take up smell receptors simply out of obligation. My nose cannot hide from this schmell. It is constantly around me, physically.

If I turn my head to quickly, whoosh the schmell. Sitting by a window, a breeze, usually so desired, but now dreaded. Schmell agitator!

I would not have had to go through this had I JUST OPENED AND SMELLED at the store. I ALWAYS DO IT! Why did I assume that it would be wildly coco nutty?

And then there is the possibility that it’s not coco nutty at all. My husband gave it the all time formidable “it sucks” commentary. I guess my daughter is next-up. No warning just put it in the bathroom for her.

*If you are interested in the article re; Butter prior to this one, here is the link:

http://theambiguousfrog.blogspot.com/2009/09/living-bipolar-ive-lost-my-butter.html

Living Bipolar - I've Lost My Butter

I am still taking lithium as part of my bipolar treatment. I've gained over 15 pounds now. I’ve gone from a size 14 – 16, to 20 and possibly larger. I had become so confident with my body in the past few years so I lament. Changing or starting a medication can change your life. I’m not talking about the “oh my life is so much better” kind of change either. The extra weight is enough, but there are other things too.

On the second day of treatment I urgently needed salt. We were low on snacks so I grabbed some microwave popcorn, with butter of course. As I started in, I immediately noticed something about the butter flavor. I thought it had possibly spoiled so I got up and checked the expiration date. It was fine. Although I wasn’t enjoying it, I continued to eat it deciding the salt was more important than the unpleasant flavor.

Then, the more often I had butter the more I was sure that it actually was the butter and not something else. I can smell it too. This change in flavor and smell is like the flavor is not even flavor at all. More like it’s a "thing".

There were other foods that helped convince me beyond denial that it was butter also. I like to binge on Albertson’s chocolate chip cookies. They do not have the unpleasant butter “flavor”. The chocolate chip cookies from Winco do have the evil “flavor”.

I can no longer eat butter. I am still in disbelief. I am reminded when there is toast on the table. Often when my husband cooks I have to ask if there’s butter in the food.

My last hope is real butter. Yes, my entire home experience has been with what is referred to as butter spreads. So, maybe there is hope.

Operation PediPaws

My dog is such a spaz that she has to be sedated at the vet just to be examined. This being said, we have NEVER been able to trim her claws. Actually they are more like talons.

Once, I thought I would try to trim them. She moved as I was squeezing the clippers. Silly me, I didn’t have the styptic nearby. As my heart raced and my palms dripped I ran as fast as I could. By the time I got back upstairs, there was bloody carnage. So, trying to avoid another blood-letting, I picked-up a PediPaws at Walgreens.

The instructions recommend getting the dog used to the damn thing by putting it near her and offering treats. Right! I am more of the impatient forcing type, so the following instructions were right up my alley;

"'Holding Your Pet' If your pet is not comfortable receiving a PediPaws pedicure (after the previous introduction process), you may choose from one of the following suggested approaches. Some people find it easiest to have the pet sit on your lap, while some prefer to have the pet lay on his or her side. You may decide to lay your pet on his or her back. Find a position that works best for both of you."

That sounded good in theory; however she is an 80-90 pound brick-house. The following was somewhat encouraging, even though my husband and I should have known better;

"If your pet resists or tries to squirm away, DO NOT ALLOW IT! The struggling is only temporary. By letting your pet escape, you will reinforce this evasive behavior. YOU ARE IN CHARGE… …NEVER LET HIM OR HER GO!"

We tried many commanding positions. She squirmed her way out of all of them. I think we scared her because she shit on the living room floor, right in front of us! Needless to say, we had to take a “break” against instructional advice.

Round two. Short of hog-tying her, which I kept recommending, we took turns trying to take her down. This is when I banged my head into the wooden arm of the futon and almost knocked myself out. Then her dew-claw punctured and slashed my hand. The slash is about 2 inches long. Now I was pissed.

Although she was panting like she just ran around the globe non-stop, my husband was determined to continue to tire her out (an impossible feat) because she still wasn’t giving in. Being pissed, I pushed her to the ground, straddled her and pushed her head to the carpet. This time my fight or flight syndrome kicked in hard. I was not letting her win.

It took about 50 minutes to dominate her, then 10 minutes (according to the hubby) for the filing. I think the filing took an hour, seeing as I straddled her and experienced extreme hip and thigh fatigue. As of today I have more bruises than I can count. My husband is all scratched-up too, and we just can’t wait to do it again.

Living Bipolar - Med Changes

Lithium: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lithium_pharmacology


In 1993 a doctor told me I was bipolar and prescribed me Lithium. He did not educate me about the drug. He did not do pre-labs for baseline readings, or follow-up labs for therapeutic levels. He did not explain to me that I needed to increase my water intake so I was not drinking enough water and felt very strange. Needless to say, like many bipolar patients, I decided I didn't need it and that I was not bipolar, so I quit taking it.

Recently, in April and May, I experienced delusions, psychosis, and paranoia. We did not contact my doctor because I was not a threat to myself or others. Our focus at home was to get me some deep sleep. My husband was sure I was not getting proper sleep and he was correct. I was staying up later and later. I was tossing and turning, and waking throughout the night. The fact that I was not a threat, according to my doctor, is not a reason to not call her.

When I got back to visiting my Doctor, she was a bit alarmed. She said that every time I leave reality it damages my brain and we need to protect my brain. So, aside from the sleep issue, she said we need to try Lithium. It's tried and true and is good for depression too.

I was scared to try it again, knowing this time about labs and possible toxicity. She told me that increased thirst or urination is normal for side effects, but excessive thirst and urination are abnormal and signs of toxicity. Nausea is OK, vomiting is toxic. Loose stool are OK, diarrhea is toxic. So, if I show signs of toxicity I am to stop taking the medicine, drink Gatorade, and call her.

However, it is not that easy for me. My pre-labs showed blood in my urine. I was told to see my primary care physician for that. I did and it is still there. Now I have to see a Urologist. So basically, I have been drinking up to 11-8oz glasses of water as recommended for Lithium. I very probably have an issue with my kidneys or bladder so I am very thirsty and peeing buckets every hour. My stomach is distended by the end of the night, and I have even vomited twice since this started. I am not toxic, in fact I was still under therapeutic levels and my doctor raised my dose by 300mg.

I feel like the Lithium is working, but the thirst and the peeing are taking an emotional toll. I have an appointment on Tuesday with the Urology Center, and I am worried that I have cancer or failing kidneys. We shall see.

For further information or blogging on this Urology issue; please click here;
http://bloophoenix.blogspot.com/

The Frog No Longer Believes - George Washington & The Angel

*To read the story click on the title of this blog entry*

I read this story a long, long time ago. It gave me goosebumps. This encounter seems to portend the War of Independence, The Civil War, and possibly the War on Terror. Read it, think about our history in America. Remember how we have pulled together in desperate times. We would fight to the end on our own soil, and I believe this is coming.

****STORY IS A HOAX**** STILL THOUGHT PROVOKING THOUGH

Who were these angels? A good one, and a dark one. Was George Washington psychotic? Were any of the prophets in the bible psychotic, or are these real encounters? Can we know the truth? It sure sounds prophetic, since the Civil war had yet to happen. "Remember ye are brethren" is spoken by "a bright angel, on whose brow rested a crown of light, on which was traced the word `Union,' bearing the American flag which he placed between the divided nation".

If you are open at all to angels and prophecy you may find this interesting.

Living Bipolar - No More Babies

When my spouse and I began planning our lives together we had decided on having 4 children. I named our first child, and promised he could name the next one. I had no idea that post-part um depression, psychosis, and the resulting diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder would rob me of having more children.

My second episode of psychosis was enmeshed with my heavy desire to give my husband a son. No dice. The fear of "the expected", or what we think will happen again has dashed our hopes.

After years of mourning the loss of my children I will now never have, I have become a bit amnesiac to the agony and fear that my disease can put my family through. In addition, I cannot even accidentally become pregnant because of the many medications I have to take in order to even be remotely normal. It would be so irresponsible, and I have to just drudge through my yearning and the deep digging aches in my heart. Those feelings only subside when I can forget to think about it. Put it away, far away from the forefront of my mind.

I know in my heart that I have failed. This will be my agony to the end. I will look back and say I wish I could have tried. I wish I could have tried. In order to try, I would have to go off of either all medications or use the ones that are supposed to be alright during pregnancy.

The first time I was pregnant I went without anything I thought would be risky. No antidepressants, no smoking, no coffee, no chocolate (caffeine), no unrecommended cheeses, no changing the cat box. Anything that pregnant women are warned against I stayed away from. I was however extremely depressed the entire time.

I hardly got dressed. I never went for walks. I mostly stayed in my big green chair and watched T.V. While I watched T.V. I was treated to the Columbine disaster, the first Iraq war, and the lady in Texas that drowned all five of her children due to her own mental illness. These things being in the news made me further depressed and really scared of becoming a mom. I also had no idea that I would fall victim to the same disease that the Texas mom had. The difference for me was the help and support of my husband and his family. I will forever be grateful to them, and I know how lucky we are and how lucky I am to have such a great man in my life.

Then there are the hopes. Every time I have to get a new psychiatrist, I ask about having children. My current Dr. has worked with many, many pregnant bipolar patients she tells me. My hopes get up, then I mention it to my husband and he gets angry. I don't exactly know why he is angry, unless he feels ripped-off, but I get very sad.

I feel like we could do it. We know more now about what to expect. Plus, if I were delusional or psychotic, my logical mind is my friend. It provides me with moments of clarity, and I am able to know that I am in a dream state, that things as I am perceiving them are not true.

I believe in my soul, that if I were pregnant for a second time I would be mostly a happy person instead of the depressed person I was the first time. I would know that I was fulfilling my destiny to have at least two children.

My first child is 10 now and has always loved little children. She would be such a good helper and she understands my illness. It would break my heart in the past when she would beg for a sibling and I would try to explain to her; mommy is sick and has to take medicine, and mommy cannot stop taking her medicine or she would become a really bad mommy.

So here we are. No more babies. No adoptions, as my husband is not interested in that. I cry sometimes. Sometimes I get angry at him for not wanting to try. I will regret this, and I don't want to regret anything when I am taking my last breath.

My final caveat is that our little family of 3 is pretty perfect the way it is and most days I do not think about the children we will not have. I have given them to God and offered them to the universe for other wanting moms as a prayer and I will continue to pray for mothers that want their own babies. My spirit children are for you.

Frog Politics - Health Reform - The Dreaded Gap

I just received Oregon's U.S. Representative Peter DeFazio's Newsletter. I am shocked to find out that Medicare Part D and it's "donut-hole" otherwise known as The Gap was Former President Bush's doing. I don't know why I am surprised. The former president has screwed-up our country in so many other ways.

Since, back in 2004, I was not a Medicare recipient, I was not tuned-in to the fact that there was a gap in prescription coverage, until it effected me in 2008. It works like this; the first $2000 of prescription drugs are paid for. Patients only pay a low copay rate, but the next $2800 is not provided for. During The Gap, only generics are paid for. If you happen to need a medicine that is not offered in generic form (because the pharmaceutical company still holds the patent) then the patient will have to pay FULL PRICE, which is hundreds of dollars. Needless to say, this leads to medication non-compliance. This could be deadly for seniors or the disabled. The mentally disabled could become psychotic if they cannot afford their anti-psychotic medications. Seniors need heart meds, blood thinners, Alzheimer's medications, blood pressure meds, and countless other medications to support health and quality of life. Many patients resort to splitting their medications. This is advised against because they will not be taking proper doses.

As far as the pharmaceutical companies go, they should make compromises too. They could cut a deal with another manufacturer to offer generics regardless of patents, or develop their own version of a generic along with offering the name brand.

When I chose my coverage on the Medicare website back in 2007, I was sure I picked a plan that covered The Gap. I was wrong. My doctor, however, was able to give me her free samples of this medication so I could make it to the new year.

I am pleased to read from the Congressman's newsletter that in June the House of Representatives released the "Tri-committee Health Reform Draft". This draft, among other things, eliminates the gap! OH PLEASE, let that stay in the reform plan.

In addition, it will also stop insurance companies from denying coverage for pre-existing conditions.

Representative DeFazio has introduced H.R. 1583, the Insurance Industry Competition Act. This would REPEAL the ANTI-TRUST EXEMPTION and stop anti-competitive behavior by insurance companies.

I did not know insurance companies are currently exempt from federal anti-trust laws. The exemption allows insurance companies to "collude, fix prices, and exclude people considered high-risk or who have pre-existing conditions". Isn't this just another way to hold a Monopoly?

Although, I have quoted most of his newsletter, I have included a link to his newsletter.

I will be contacting Mr. DeFazio to show support for abolishing The Gap.

We also need better dental coverage, and I don't read or hear about anything being put into legislation on this subject.

Living Bipolar - Irritability

Egads! My irritability level is extreme today. Everything is lame, annoying, bothersome, and not worth any effort at all. I am mocking everything on TV. I feel like I could explode, physically. Just, blow-up where I sit.

A Sermon From The Ambiguous Frog - Is God Smacking Me?

Well, I made it to church this morning. I enjoy the beautiful garden setting outdoors where the services are held. The gigantic trees behind the freshly mowed pews provide us with shade. The sun starts making its way over the congregation beginning on the right side of the parishioners and on the left side of the Pastor. Today I sat where I thought the sun might hit a little later in the service.

At the beginning of the service, the sun shone through the trees directly onto the pages of my borrowed bible. I knew something important was about to finally make itself known beyond all of my doubts.

We were studying Psalms 34. Now, this is interesting because I missed Thursday night’s service this past week, but the week before that I attended. We were studying the same Psalm. The Pastor consulted the group that night on whether we were spending too much time on The Psalms altogether. Everybody agreed that we were not. Since today we were studying the same Psalm, 34, I wasn't sure if maybe we were beating a dead horse

The Sunday, following the Thursday that I did attend, the same Psalm was focused on. I thought to myself, "Well this is great! I’m really going to know this Psalm after focusing on it twice". In addition to this particular Psalm, 34, the Pastor paralleled his sermon with 1 Peter, again. Today it was 1 Peter 3:8-9.

Now, during the first two encounters with Psalm 34 and 1 Peter, I began to feel guilty about things I had said about Michael Jackson on a social networking website. I considered lightening-up on my comments and posts, and so I did. Not good enough. There’s still my blog post titled, “Michael Jackson – False Messiah?”

Feeling guilty, I thought about how, within this past year, I had decided not to contribute to any more negativity in the universe than is already being spewed. I am working on releasing positive thoughts rather than participating any further to random hatred by releasing negative thoughts and feelings about people I do or do not know into the universe. After all, a drop of water leads to the outermost ripple.

If my self-perceived unimportant comment or expressed negative thought can change people, and can be contagious, then it may not be considered“bad press” in the traditional sense, but it could make it's way as far as that farthest ripple. Imagine what kind of negativity my little drop-of-water-blog could possibly create while riding its ripple?

Needless to say, I had contemplated removing my Michael Jackson post several times. In it I have added to the unproven rumors and accusations that represent a creepy side to Michael Jackson many of us believe. I usually try to stress, when talking with my child, that the charges of child molestation were “alleged”, and explain what "alleged" means. I also try to impress upon her that the courts never pronounced him guilty and that part of the law is supposed to be respected. Reputation is not fact. Unfortunately, this conversation comes immediately after I have voiced all kinds of “crap” about him to my daughter, because the conversation is useful for teaching her about molestation.

Getting back to Psalm 34. The focus was squarely on 34:12 and a desire to "love life and see good days". Then Psalm 34:13 goes on to say how to do that… “keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.” Well, my mind was screaming, “the things you said and posted online are unproven. You should not prop them up at all”. Even if I cannot celebrate him as others do, I can choose not to perpetuate rumors and innuendo.

Is God smacking me? I do not need to stoop to “shock-blogging”.

Speaking of blogging, the pastor used blogging as an example. Another smack. The pastor has some pastor-friends that blog, and some did pretty much the same thing I did. Our pastor disagreed with his friends and points to Psalms 34:13 in support. Today he let us know that one of his Pastor friends took his post down. There’s a fine example of a human being. (no sarcasm here whatsoever), (or there). The Pastor goes on to say that if we, as “The Church” (people of God), live in Grace for the world, as examples, we must live life worthy of that Grace. The reason is God is watching us. Then, and this is key, he says, “God is reading your blog”. SMACK! I know the Pastor has not read my blog, has he? I barely know him.

The other scripture he used in conjunction with his sermon was John 13. In it we are given the two point, greatest commandment of all; first, to love God with all your heart, mind, and soul. The second; to love your neighbor as yourself. I paraphrase of course. Loving our “neighbor”, said the Pastor is having concern for their soul. It is even charitable to have concern for the soul of Michael Jackson, instead of feeding the smash talk. This I can completely relate to.

Going back to 1 Peter 3:9, do not repay evil with evil. In this sense, if Michael Jackson did do evil things, we are not to repay that with evil. It is not what Jesus would have us do. That would be speaking of things we do not know to be true. In my post I had a lot of opinions about things I knew nothing about.

In my being “called” to blogging, I have been repeatedly led to not think about money. I thought about money. I just so happen to hate money, and I believe not thinking “money” is the way to make money. I tried to write an article that I thought would get attention due to popular sensationalism. This is not how I am being lead in the universe. I remember something an old boss used to tell me, “do what you love and the money will follow”. Since I like talking, I figured blogging couldn't be too far off the map.

I have read things written by friends that are so negative, and funny, that I have wanted to join in. The standards I have set for myself are different now. I have been striving over the last two years to take a higher road. There are famous people I don’t particularly care for, but my reasons are rooted in rumors and not in a truth shown to me. I should adhere to my new values and I will be able to “love life and see good days”.

There’s one other thing about this morning’s service that laid the breadcrumbs for me to realize that God was smacking me. A lady from the live band went and sat on the steps of the Gazebo with the pastor and spoke of how God showed his plan for her and her family. Her point was that God answered her prayers in ways she would not have chosen, but the indications were in obvious coincidences. There was a scripture that showed up among her and her family on several different occasions. The scripture, Genesis 12:1 was repeatedly showing up amongst her and her husband about new beginnings, reinforcing their plans of relocating. Between her and her son a scripture coincidence was shared. I don’t remember which scripture she said it was. She said she had been praying for her son to get off the direction he was going. Then he was arrested. It definitely got him off of his path. While he was incarcerated, he went back to his bible, and just opened it. The page he randomly came to was the same scripture that she had been meditating on.

Well, scripture has been smacking me for the past 4 weeks. As if the scripture smacks were not enough, God knows I like to laugh when I realize an “aha” moment, and when the pastor said, “God reads your blog.” I did laugh out loud. God heard me laugh, and my mind was made-up. The article has been removed.

While I was referencing my bible for this blog entry, I came across scripture that I think is moving and appropriate; John 17:1. It is a prayer for “the church”, and I feel His approval for removing the post in which my tongue spoke lies. Lies because I have no facts to back-up my work. I will post John 17 here and may you be blessed by his prayer too;

John 17 (New International Reader's Version)
1 After Jesus said this (ch. 16), he looked toward heaven and prayed. He said,
"Father, the time has come. Bring glory to your Son. Then your Son will bring glory to you. 2 You gave him authority over all people. He gives eternal life to all those you have given him.
3 "And what is eternal life? It is knowing you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. 4 I have brought you glory on earth. I have finished the work you gave me to do. 5 So now, Father, give glory to me in heaven where your throne is. Give me the glory I had with you before the world began.
6 "I have shown you to the disciples you gave me out of the world. They were yours. You gave them to me. And they have obeyed your word. 7 Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. 8 I gave them the words you gave me. And they accepted them. They knew for certain that I came from you. They believed that you sent me.
9 "I pray for them. I am not praying for the world. I am praying for those you have given me, because they are yours. 10 All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. Glory has come to me because of my disciples.
11 "I will not remain in the world any longer. But they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, keep them safe by the power of your name. It is the name you gave me. Keep them safe so they can be one, just as you and I are one.
12 "While I was with them, I guarded them. I kept them safe through the name you gave me. None of them has been lost, except the one who was sentenced to be destroyed. It happened so that Scripture would come true.
13 "I am coming to you now. But I say these things while I am still in the world. I say them so that those you gave me can have all my joy inside them. 14 I have given them your word. The world has hated them. This is because they are not part of the world any more than I am. 15 I do not pray that you will take them out of the world. I pray that you will keep them safe from the evil one.
16 "They do not belong to the world, just as I do not belong to it. 17 Use the truth to make them holy. Your word is truth. 18 You sent me into the world. In the same way, I have sent them into the world. 19 I make myself holy for them so that they too can be made holy in a true sense.
20 "I do not pray only for them. I pray also for those who will believe in me because of their message. 21 Father, I pray that all of them will be one, just as you are in me and I am in you. I want them also to be in us. Then the world will believe that you have sent me.
22 "I have given them the glory you gave me. I did this so they would be one, just as we are one. 23 I will be in them, just as you are in me. I want them to be brought together perfectly as one. This will let the world know that you sent me. It will also show the world that you have loved those you gave me, just as you have loved me.
24 "Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am. I want them to see my glory, the glory you have given me. You gave it to me because you loved me before the world was created.
25 "Father, you are holy. The world does not know you, but I know you. Those you have given me know you have sent me. 26 I have shown you to them. And I will continue to show you to them. Then the love you have for me will be in them. I myself will be in them."

I am surprised and humbled that Jesus would pray for us, maybe I never noticed this before, but it is an example of how his word “lives”.

Living Bipolar - Sleep Paralysis

Last night I slept like crap. Seeking reasons and blame, hoping to rectify the situation by tonight, I begin pointing fingers.

OK, fan. You moved back and forth all night. Although happy to be cooled by you, you freaked me out. Every sweep over my body tickled my face with my hair. You moved my pj's when you whooshed over me and it felt like someone touching me. You jangled the dangling lens-cap on poor video camera who, until recently, did not share our room.

Hence, the second culprit. The sounds you made cap, were unfamiliar to me, I needed reminding every time I awoke.

You, light in the hall, seemed to portent an invader to be revealed at any moment. You may have been the third culprit, but you concealed a fourth culprit; the imaginary intruder. There is always an imaginary intruder.

Then, culprit number five, the ring-leader; the dreaded sleep paralysis.

"Sleep paralysis consists of a period of inability to perform voluntary
movements either at sleep onset (called hypnogogic or predormital form) or upon
awakening (called hypnopompic or postdormtal form).
Sleep paralysis may also
be referred to as isolated sleep paralysis, familial sleep paralysis, hynogogic
or hypnopompic paralysis, predormital or postdormital paralysis."
Source: http://www.stanford.edu/~dement/paralysis.html

All of you, fan, lens-cap, and light in the hall, coupled with an inability to move or communicate are frightening, sometimes terrifying. I have, in the past, tried to use any energy I might have to roll back and forth and flail. I have throatily groaned what, to me, sounds like my husbands name. Once in a great while it works. I make enough "noise" and my fingertips actually touch him. The times that it doesn't work are usually because he's not in the room and I am napping.

Last night I could not break free. Somehow, I would get back to sleep only to jerk awake and go through the whole experience again and again.

This morning, upon preparing to take my morning meds, I noted an Ativan remaining in yesterday's organizer. I remember choosing not to take it last night. My reasoning was that I was not feeling anxious but was felling tired. I didn't think I would need it. Famous last words of many bipolar patients.

Thus the culprit has been outed, and it's me. Not the Ativan. Me, because I chose non-compliance to the twice-a-day regimen. I am to blame. It will not happen again, well maybe it will.

Pizza Hut's "The Edge Pizza" Should Be Shoved Off Of A Cliff

It's called "The Edge Pizza". Maybe the Hut down the road is not yet trained in "toppings to the edge" technique.

What is wrong with Pizza Hut? That new "crustless" pizza is disgusting! The "crust" is as thick as a graham cracker and tastes like an unsalted saltine. There's barely enough food in the pizza to feed a person. The toppings don't reach the edge so technically it still has crust. It looks like it cost under 3 dollars yet was more than 10. DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME, and their pastas can go straight into the trash!

A Sermon From The Ambiguous Frog – Within Sense

Proverbs 1:1-7

1 The proverbs of Solomon son of
David, king of Israel: 2 for attaining wisdom and discipline; for understanding
words of insight; 3 for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is
right and just and fair; 4 for giving prudence to the simple, knowledge and
discretion to the young- 5 let the wise listen and add to their learning, and
let the discerning get guidance- 6 for understanding proverbs and parables, the
sayings and riddles of the wise. 7 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of
knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

Some things you just know. This is not “common sense” it is found within sense. A type of memory deep inside, rooting indefinitely back in time.

I know I have been here before, as a conscious participant. I know God is real. I know Jesus is the way to His Father. I also know that Jesus is the way to His Mother too.

I do not believe that our planet has been here for eons yet I have been here for merely one human lifetime. This can only mean, worthy or unworthy, we are physically "born again".

Spiritual birth, on the other hand, may well begin with understanding and identifying with Jesus on an emotional level. Have we not felt forsaken, only to find that we were watched over during our own tribulations? When we can empathize and identify with Jesus we are spiritually born. As we spiritually mature, we are spiritually born again and again. Whenever we reach an epiphany, we are reborn. If we have moments where we see the road we travelled, with all of it's possible detours left behind, and we stand where we know we were meant to stand, we have just been spiritually reborn.

When I was a child, I was shocked, mortified, angry, and in tears when I watched Jesus getting crucified in a movie. I could not understand why his disciples didn’t do something! I believed inside my soul, I knew, if I had been there, I would have tried to stop the insanity. I was spiritually born that day.

Knowing Jesus may still be the way to his father. Back in Jesus' day, and soon thereafter, the mass media didn’t exist. Many people didn’t know of God, until Jesus spoke of God.

When we open our hearts and lives to Jesus, becoming "born again", it is spiritual and we can feel his love and protection. This spiritual birth brings understanding of His Love for His Son, and for us. When we feel it and we know it, we can have undoubting faith in Him. Jesus helps us build our faith in His Father.

What of His Mother though? Is Jesus not also the way to His Mother? Isn’t Her heart a compassionate heart? Don’t we share in empathy the compassion she must have felt to watch her son die on the cross? She loved her son. She knew and understood his plight and fate. Jesus' Mother has not been “feared” as much as The Father. Is She the compassionate side of God. Is she not the Wisdom behind the Power?

Within my sense I know that The Lord’s Mother is as important as The Lord’s Father.

A Grandmother Dies on The Fourth of July

On The Fourth Of July at 5 in the morning, Grandma Carmel left her body.

Grandma Carmel, that's how my sisters and I always referred to her. I am glad to hear she will be buried next to Grampa Frank. They can bicker all they want there now. Their bickering made us giggle! We were all very little.

Our aunt and uncle were not yet married or divorced. Our cousin Gina bragged about breaking-up her aunt's past relationships by being a brat, while she kicked the current relationship in the shins with her pointy cowboy boots. I like my aunt, she reminds me of my sister Elizabeth, whom is named for Grandma Carmel. Middle name.

Grandma Carmel made the best food for holidays. Her roast beef was exquisite. Salty, juicy, tender, but not too tender. Melt in your mouth tender. The edges had delicate meaty fibers that were crisped by the oven. There were always creamy green beans, french cut with the crispy onions as I recall. On the other hand it could have been real bacon in the regular green beans, not "Bacon Bits", like we had back in our fridge, so it was fancy.

I liked the way she spoke. I liked that she was Irish. I liked talking to her later in my 20's and on the phone in my 30's. Rest in Peace Grandma Carmel, and kiss Grampa Frank on his cheek for me.