*To read the story click on the title of this blog entry*
I read this story a long, long time ago. It gave me goosebumps. This encounter seems to portend the War of Independence, The Civil War, and possibly the War on Terror. Read it, think about our history in America. Remember how we have pulled together in desperate times. We would fight to the end on our own soil, and I believe this is coming.
****STORY IS A HOAX**** STILL THOUGHT PROVOKING THOUGH
Who were these angels? A good one, and a dark one. Was George Washington psychotic? Were any of the prophets in the bible psychotic, or are these real encounters? Can we know the truth? It sure sounds prophetic, since the Civil war had yet to happen. "Remember ye are brethren" is spoken by "a bright angel, on whose brow rested a crown of light, on which was traced the word `Union,' bearing the American flag which he placed between the divided nation".
If you are open at all to angels and prophecy you may find this interesting.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Living Bipolar - No More Babies
When my spouse and I began planning our lives together we had decided on having 4 children. I named our first child, and promised he could name the next one. I had no idea that post-part um depression, psychosis, and the resulting diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder would rob me of having more children.
My second episode of psychosis was enmeshed with my heavy desire to give my husband a son. No dice. The fear of "the expected", or what we think will happen again has dashed our hopes.
After years of mourning the loss of my children I will now never have, I have become a bit amnesiac to the agony and fear that my disease can put my family through. In addition, I cannot even accidentally become pregnant because of the many medications I have to take in order to even be remotely normal. It would be so irresponsible, and I have to just drudge through my yearning and the deep digging aches in my heart. Those feelings only subside when I can forget to think about it. Put it away, far away from the forefront of my mind.
I know in my heart that I have failed. This will be my agony to the end. I will look back and say I wish I could have tried. I wish I could have tried. In order to try, I would have to go off of either all medications or use the ones that are supposed to be alright during pregnancy.
The first time I was pregnant I went without anything I thought would be risky. No antidepressants, no smoking, no coffee, no chocolate (caffeine), no unrecommended cheeses, no changing the cat box. Anything that pregnant women are warned against I stayed away from. I was however extremely depressed the entire time.
I hardly got dressed. I never went for walks. I mostly stayed in my big green chair and watched T.V. While I watched T.V. I was treated to the Columbine disaster, the first Iraq war, and the lady in Texas that drowned all five of her children due to her own mental illness. These things being in the news made me further depressed and really scared of becoming a mom. I also had no idea that I would fall victim to the same disease that the Texas mom had. The difference for me was the help and support of my husband and his family. I will forever be grateful to them, and I know how lucky we are and how lucky I am to have such a great man in my life.
Then there are the hopes. Every time I have to get a new psychiatrist, I ask about having children. My current Dr. has worked with many, many pregnant bipolar patients she tells me. My hopes get up, then I mention it to my husband and he gets angry. I don't exactly know why he is angry, unless he feels ripped-off, but I get very sad.
I feel like we could do it. We know more now about what to expect. Plus, if I were delusional or psychotic, my logical mind is my friend. It provides me with moments of clarity, and I am able to know that I am in a dream state, that things as I am perceiving them are not true.
I believe in my soul, that if I were pregnant for a second time I would be mostly a happy person instead of the depressed person I was the first time. I would know that I was fulfilling my destiny to have at least two children.
My first child is 10 now and has always loved little children. She would be such a good helper and she understands my illness. It would break my heart in the past when she would beg for a sibling and I would try to explain to her; mommy is sick and has to take medicine, and mommy cannot stop taking her medicine or she would become a really bad mommy.
So here we are. No more babies. No adoptions, as my husband is not interested in that. I cry sometimes. Sometimes I get angry at him for not wanting to try. I will regret this, and I don't want to regret anything when I am taking my last breath.
My final caveat is that our little family of 3 is pretty perfect the way it is and most days I do not think about the children we will not have. I have given them to God and offered them to the universe for other wanting moms as a prayer and I will continue to pray for mothers that want their own babies. My spirit children are for you.
My second episode of psychosis was enmeshed with my heavy desire to give my husband a son. No dice. The fear of "the expected", or what we think will happen again has dashed our hopes.
After years of mourning the loss of my children I will now never have, I have become a bit amnesiac to the agony and fear that my disease can put my family through. In addition, I cannot even accidentally become pregnant because of the many medications I have to take in order to even be remotely normal. It would be so irresponsible, and I have to just drudge through my yearning and the deep digging aches in my heart. Those feelings only subside when I can forget to think about it. Put it away, far away from the forefront of my mind.
I know in my heart that I have failed. This will be my agony to the end. I will look back and say I wish I could have tried. I wish I could have tried. In order to try, I would have to go off of either all medications or use the ones that are supposed to be alright during pregnancy.
The first time I was pregnant I went without anything I thought would be risky. No antidepressants, no smoking, no coffee, no chocolate (caffeine), no unrecommended cheeses, no changing the cat box. Anything that pregnant women are warned against I stayed away from. I was however extremely depressed the entire time.
I hardly got dressed. I never went for walks. I mostly stayed in my big green chair and watched T.V. While I watched T.V. I was treated to the Columbine disaster, the first Iraq war, and the lady in Texas that drowned all five of her children due to her own mental illness. These things being in the news made me further depressed and really scared of becoming a mom. I also had no idea that I would fall victim to the same disease that the Texas mom had. The difference for me was the help and support of my husband and his family. I will forever be grateful to them, and I know how lucky we are and how lucky I am to have such a great man in my life.
Then there are the hopes. Every time I have to get a new psychiatrist, I ask about having children. My current Dr. has worked with many, many pregnant bipolar patients she tells me. My hopes get up, then I mention it to my husband and he gets angry. I don't exactly know why he is angry, unless he feels ripped-off, but I get very sad.
I feel like we could do it. We know more now about what to expect. Plus, if I were delusional or psychotic, my logical mind is my friend. It provides me with moments of clarity, and I am able to know that I am in a dream state, that things as I am perceiving them are not true.
I believe in my soul, that if I were pregnant for a second time I would be mostly a happy person instead of the depressed person I was the first time. I would know that I was fulfilling my destiny to have at least two children.
My first child is 10 now and has always loved little children. She would be such a good helper and she understands my illness. It would break my heart in the past when she would beg for a sibling and I would try to explain to her; mommy is sick and has to take medicine, and mommy cannot stop taking her medicine or she would become a really bad mommy.
So here we are. No more babies. No adoptions, as my husband is not interested in that. I cry sometimes. Sometimes I get angry at him for not wanting to try. I will regret this, and I don't want to regret anything when I am taking my last breath.
My final caveat is that our little family of 3 is pretty perfect the way it is and most days I do not think about the children we will not have. I have given them to God and offered them to the universe for other wanting moms as a prayer and I will continue to pray for mothers that want their own babies. My spirit children are for you.
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